Reconciliation

I have always been a peacemaker. I hate for people to be upset and I hate for people to not like me. It's ok if someone isn't my friend just because we have nothing in common, but for someone to dislike me, because they know me and don't like me is hard for me to accept.

Life lately has been weird. In my adult life, I've had exactly 2 people that I've asked for reconciliation. The first time, I was in college and had been hurt by someone's actions, but I went to her and asked if we could move past it. I didn't really care if we remained friends, but I did want her to know that as a Christian I didn't plan to hold a grudge for what had happened. It certainly didn't happen overnight, and we aren't good friends, but if I saw her in public, we would surely say hello. 

The second time was much more recent and ended with a lot of unanswered questions. I prayed about reaching out to this person and was even encouraged to do so by someone that knew her well. I prayed as I wrote to this person, and after several rough drafts, I sent only what I felt like God wanted me to say. I got a response, but still a lot of unanswered questions. It's hard to be accused of things when you have no idea what you did and the only person that can answer that won't. It's also hard to be spoken to so harshly and uncaring by someone I used to think was a friend. 

Through this process, I was reminded of something I read awhile back from Jen Hatmaker:

If we knew what was really going on, we would be so much kinder, gentler, and more understanding with each other. We would understand that fear sometimes looks like anger, and that sadness sometimes looks like cool detachment, and that pain sometimes looks like cynicism. The exaggerated reaction usually belies something very raw underneath. Life is hard and people are struggling. We would do well to assume most folks are far more tender than they are letting on. We should treat people with a disproportionate amount of grace, because the worst thing that could happen ISN'T that they didn't really need it when we offered it...but that they really did need it and we failed to notice.

 Here's what I do know: I have no idea what this person is going through personally, just like this person has no idea what I'm going through. Fear sometimes looks like anger. All I see is anger from this person, but underneath it all, maybe it's fear. I reached out in grace and love, hoping for answers, and I came up empty, but what I do know is that I did what I felt like God told me to do.

Thankfully I have been surrounded by my husband and friends that love me and now I can only forgive and move on. I know that I have honored God in my words and actions. I have gone before Him and asked for his guidance, and I believe He brought me to this point. I also believe that He already knew this would happen, and that there is a lesson in it all.
 
I found this definition of reconciliation: the state of being reconciled, as when someone becomes resigned to something not desired.

That is exactly what I've had to do today...become resigned to something not desired. However, I believe what Matthew wrote: "whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven" and so today, I will loose the hold this has had on me here on earth, so it shall be loosed in heaven.

What I DO know as truth--God uses everything for HIS glory! 

And, as Taylor Swift says, "Shake it off"... :)
(Just had to end with a little humor after getting that off my chest...)

These are a few of my favorite things... (Sing along with me!!)

I've been working on a post about my mom, but I'm just not ready to post it yet. So instead, here's what I have today.

Here is a list of things that make me happy (in no particular order):

1. My family

 (picture from my birthday last week; notice what makes Luke, my serious kid, smile--CAKE)

These are my people. I can't imagine life without them. Ben is exactly who God led me to when I was all messed up. (http://the-roach-approach.blogspot.com/2012/01/mawage-that-bwessed-awangment-that.html) Our 2 boys have been SO much fun and SO hard at times. I can't imagine not having them in my life. With all the frustration, also comes immense joy.

2. Coffee, pie, and paleo yumminess...

(Photos from Facebook)

If you're looking for good coffee, go to The Foundry in downtown Tyler. They also have "Friday pie day" where they have Emporium pies, which are just amazing, especially on a bad day. I don't get it often, but when I'm having a splurge day, it's the best. If you want to make your coffee at home, we are so blessed to have the best coffee roasters right here in Tyler, Porch Culture Coffee Roasters. You can pick up a bag at the Rose City Farmers Market or at many other retailers around town. M+K Provisions makes the best paleo treats! Cookies and donuts and paleo crunch...it's all SO good.

3. Traveling

 

We got to travel to Belgium and France the summer of 2013. That was the first international trip we had taken with Noah and we had so much fun! (Luke was technically there, too, but he wasn't done baking.)
I lived in Japan from 2005-2007 and did a ton of traveling while there. I have been to 15 countries (and more if you count ones I just stopped at the airport, but I don't count those). Traveling is a way to disappear into another world. I have traveled alone, with friends, and with my family. I love it all. I still have a list of places I want to travel one day. The top of my list is Africa. I have wanted to go there for many years, and God-willing, I will visit one day!

4. Prayer & Social Media

This probably should be first on my list. I generally hate the way social media/facebook makes me feel about myself. It's so easy to feel sorry for yourself when you see other people having fun and living what looks like a perfect life. I remind myself constantly that most people are only showing you the best part of their day. They aren't showing you a video of them losing it with their kids. However, do you know what facebook is so good for? Prayer warriors! If you are struggling, or having a bad day, there are always people there ready to go before the Savior on your behalf. The other day, I asked for prayer and within 4 hours over 50 people had prayed for my family. I had several people text me asking how they could help and letting me know they were praying. I felt a peace knowing that even if things didn't go the way I had planned or wanted them to, God is in control. In fact, He already knew what I was fretting and crying over would happen. He was not surprised at all. It doesn't make the process any easier, but knowing He knows what is best for me and my family makes it all more bearable.

5. Jen Hatmaker

(picture from Facebook)

I'm positive that we would be best friends. I mean, maybe she would think it's crazy that I tried to find her house when driving through Buda, but that's normal right? I'm not a stalker, ok?  Here's what I love about her:

1. She's honest. She doesn't hold back and she's real. 
2. She loves Jesus so fiercely and you can see it in all she writes. 
3. She loves orphans. She takes care of the poor. She doesn't just talk about it, she is living it.
4. She is doing exactly what Jesus has called her to do. It's just so obvious.  
5. She's hilarious. She writes in a way that draws you in and has you laughing hysterically.
6. She sends out regular e-mails to her "EF's" (E-mail friends) and they are awesome. I mean, who doesn't want to be her friend? This makes it possible...in a dream world, but still. Haha!
   Ok-I'm stopping this list, but only because I have other things to write about and this isn't all about Jen Hatmaker!

6. Love 41, Saddleback Leather and The Munson Family

Dave, Suzette, Sela & Cross Munson with Ben, Jennifer, Noah (and Luke in utero)

Can I tell you how much I love this family? These people love orphans, widows and street kids so fiercely. They have adopted several boys from the streets in Africa who now proudly bear the Munson name. They have been rescued and changed forever. Ben became mildly obsessed with Saddleback Leather years ago. This is how we first learned about the Munson family. After Saddleback Leather, came Love 41. Love 41 got it's name from Psalms 41:1-3: “Blessed is he who considers the poor; the LORD will deliver him in time of trouble. The LORD will preserve him and keep him alive, and he will be blessed on the earth; You will not deliver him to the will of his enemies. The Lord will strengthen him on his bed of illness, You will sustain him on his sickbed.” 100% of the profits from Love 41 support the work of Africa New Life Ministries. I just love their hearts. Ben, Noah and I went to visit San Antonio a few years ago and Suzette, never meeting us prior to that, invited us to stay in their home. It was so neat getting to meet people who had successful, mission-minded businesses. I highly recommend shopping at Saddleback Leather and Love 41!!! You will NOT be disappointed!

7. This is one of my favorite quotes:

"I'm thankful for all the things I wanted and never got. As it turns out, sometimes I have a small minded understanding of my true need, and anyone else's for that matter. I tend to demonstrate blind judgement more often than blind trust. As much as I love to dream and scheme, I'm grateful for Providence and the lovely way she moves with reckless precision through all my wills and ways. I'm thankful for all the things I can't afford. I'm thankful that I don't pen my own story. And that my needs are not hinged on my asking."
--Sandra McCracken

I'll stop for now, even though I could keep going...maybe I'll continue it another day :)

I'm participating in a blog circle with some amazing and beautiful women. Click here
to see what Danielle has to say.

Shalom...

Here we are...it is the end of June. We are halfway through 2015. When I think back on the first half of this year, the last word that comes to mind is peace.

I lost my mom in February, and two weeks later lost my grandpa. Definitely not a peaceful time in my life. 

Recently my family has gone through a lot of changes. While some are good and exciting, it still comes with stress, unknowns, and no peacefulness.

I found this definition of peace:

-freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.; tranquillity; serenity.

That's basically the total opposite of how I've felt lately...
I've had relationships fall apart, distanced myself from others, and cried a lot when I've been alone.

My friend, Elizabeth, recently went to Israel, and sent this e-mail to me:

In Israel, they use the word Shalom a lot. Shalom means Peace. It was a word that I needed to hear and learn, especially lately. I had no idea that word would mean what it does to me. Now I'm passing it on to you. 

Shalom, friend. Love you and praying for you. 

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I didn't realize it until this morning, but the real reason I have no peace, is because I'm fearful. I'm scared of the unknown, the unexpected. Lately I've had so much crashing down around me, that I can't see how to get out of it. But I see it now. Peace...freedom of the mind from anxiety. That's what I crave, what I need.  I realized that's what I needed when listening to a song I've listened to a lot after my mom passed away. It's the song "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe.

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow I will not fear
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

Side bar: Listen to this adorable version of it. I LOVE that he loves to sing with me :)

I underlined "I will not fear", because when that line was playing I stopped singing, and started crying. I've been so fearful that I haven't even allowed Christ to give me His peace that He is willing and able to give. 

This is it:

Matthew 6:30-34 (The Message)

^30-33 “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
³⁴ “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

So now, what does this mean? I don't really know. I do know this, though--He cares. He loves me. He wants good things and not bad things for me. Nothing good comes from worry--only destruction. It destroys my mind and my attitude. I should probably write these verses on a poster and wear them around my neck. I do know this--I want to actively pursue God's gifts for me. He has them there for us all. It must break His heart when we are too fearful or preoccupied with our lives that we don't stop to accept what He so willingly wants to give.

I'll leave you with lyrics from another song that has meant a lot to me for many years.
"Table for Two" by Caedmon's Call

Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
Before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
Long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

I'm participating in a blog circle with some amazing and beautiful women. Click here
to see Jana's recipe for peppermint brownies. I LOVE that she has a paleo version :)

His mercies are new every morning...

Sorry, before you read my words, you need to read this first:
http://monicaswanson.com/the-anger-lecture-habit-in-parenting/

Basically, I could have written this...and I hate myself for it. There are days that things go simply wonderful, but those days have been few and far between lately. In the midst of packing and preparing to move, I haven't gotten enough sleep and things seem to keep piling on my plate. 


Yesterday, I got off work, picked up the boys, and then rushed to swim lessons (because who doesn't sign their kid up for swim lessons the week they have to move?!). Then we went to the grocery store, because I haven't been all week. By the time I got home, it was 6:30 and I was done. I carried in a sack of groceries, set it down, and walked off to go get more stuff out of the car. As I turned around, the sack crashed to the floor, spilling 3 pints of blueberries ALL OVER THE FLOOR. I lost it...I screamed. I was frustrated with myself and that now I had created more work for myself. Even though the anger wasn't directed at him, Noah immediately started crying. I could see the effect my reaction had on him and it wasn't good. I calmed down quickly because of that, but I felt awful. I asked him to forgive me for screaming and getting frustrated. He then continued to ask me multiple times "are you going to scream again, mommy?" Yep-no "mom of the year" awards will be coming my way. After about the 4th time he asked me, I said to him, "Noah, mommy messed up. I should not have screamed. I am very sorry. Can you please forgive me?" Of course he said yes and then needed a kiss right away.

Here's what I know--at 3, Noah is quick to forgive my mess ups. As he gets older though, I know he will form his behaviors around me based on my reactions now. I want to show him now that it's never ok for me to let a situation dictate my actions. Sure, I know things won't be perfect, but I can learn now to have self control.

My favorite excerpts from the article:

Thankfully, God’s forgiveness is not in short supply.  His love is enduring, and His grace is enough.

But most important of all is remembering HOW MUCH GOD has forgiven me, and then forbidding myself from behaving in a way that only hurts my kids and myself.  (Also known as SELF CONTROL, and if we are taking this seriously, we CAN DIG DEEP and find it.)

I have realized that when I handle my frustrations the wrong way, I am being lazy, and selfish.  I am putting my need to vent above my kids need for a reasonable, wise mother.  And yes we are all pushed to our limits, but no–it’s not ok to be a lousy parent.   I wouldn’t let this stuff fly to any friend, co-worker, or human being on earth, so why should I do it to my kids? 

For the times they are a-changin'...

Just like that, June is almost over. We've known we were moving for awhile, but I've somehow delayed packing as much as I could. Now we're down to the wire and will be completely out by next week. 

We will miss living with Momo, Ben's mom. The boys simply love her and have grown accustomed to seeing her every morning. I imagine it will just make time with her even sweeter now that they won't see her as often.

The "fun" part is that we aren't moving into the house we're buying yet, because we are going to do a little remodeling first. My BFF is simply amazing and was too nice to say no when I asked if we could move in with her ;) So for our next adventure, we will move in with her, drive her crazy, then leave before she hates us all (hopefully!!). 

We are SOOO ready to be settled and move into the new place. I'm praying the remodeling and work all goes smoothly, and that I'll be patient, as those things never go completely as planned. 

We are moving into our dream house. In fact, when I found out it was going to be for sale, I started praying about it. That was last fall, maybe around October. Here we are, many months later, and God has brought us here. It may not fall into the "dream home" category for everyone, but it's simple and exactly what we've wanted. It's on a little bit of land so the boys can run and play. Maybe I'll even get some chickens ;)

Please say a prayer for us, for the transitions, and that it will all go as smoothly as possible!!

My thoughts on being late...

I'm sure you've all read the article by now entitled "No, you're not 'running late', you're rude and selfish." (If you haven't, here it is: http://vitamintalent.com/vitabites/no-you-are-not-running-late-you-are-rude-and-selfish) I've had several friends share the article on facebook, and it makes me cringe every time.

Ouch. I've read it several times and here's the deal. I want to be on time. I really do, but sometimes a kid poops right as we are walking out the door. Sometimes my 3 year old takes a hour to eat breakfast and no matter how many times I tell him "we are going to be late", he doesn't speed up. I have planned and planned our mornings--laid out clothes, packed lunch the night before, prepared breakfast so it just has be heated up--and guess what? We are still late sometimes.
Then there are the days I don't get anything ready the night before and we are 15 minutes early to our destination.

Here's what I've discovered--sometimes you just can't plan life, especially with a 19 month old and a 3 1/2 year old. If my son asks me to play in his room with him and we are running behind, guess what? I still go play with him. I want my family to know that I value them. Outside of my relationship with Jesus, my family is the most important thing to me. So am I being selfish and rude when I let my 3 year old take all the time he wants to eat breakfast? Maybe to you, but for me, that's my life right now.

I'm rarely super late, but yes, sometimes I'm 5, 10, or even 15 minutes late. Thankfully my friends extend grace when I'm running behind. If they were like the article's writer, I'm afraid I'd be without friends. So today, I'd like to say thank you to my friends that have stuck by my side, even when I'm late.
 
Beginning this month, I'm participating in a blog circle with some amazing and beautiful women. Click here and see what Lori has to say this month.

Happy birthday to my baby brother!!

I love my brother :) Today is his birthday, so I decided to post a few pictures from our photo shoot last year!

This was almost a year ago!! The boys have definitely grown :)

No argument that we are related...haha. Someone once asked if Cory and I were twins. Umm, thank you for the compliment. I'm 9 years older than him--haha!!