Monday, November 2, 2015

The last time...

It was February 5, 2015. That is the last day I saw my mom outside of the hospital. She was supposed to go to lunch with me and others from the office, but she wasn't feeling well so she stayed home. I brought her lunch from Jul's. Chicken lettuce wraps...her favorite. She tried to pay me for it, and I wouldn't let her. It was obvious she didn't feel well. Her cheeks were flushed, which was always a sign of a lupus flare-up.
I gave her the food, talked for a minute, hugged and said good-bye.

I have thought about that day almost every single day since she passed away. I wish I could have stayed with her while she ate instead of rushing back to work. I wish she could have come to lunch with us that day. There are so many "I wish" moments...

On January 31st, she came with us to watch Noah at gymnastics. My dad and her came and we sat watching him while keeping up with Luke. I am so glad she got to come watch Noah. He still remembers it and talks about her watching him do gymnastics.

On January 19th, I had the day off work for MLK day. We had a campfire at the church fire pit and my parents came. I will always cherish this picture I took of my mom and Luke that day.

I think about the time leading up to her death a lot. There are so many things she missed because she was sick. We didn't get to have Christmas with her in 2014 because she had pnemonia. She missed the boys birthday party in 2014 because she was in the hospital. There are so many special moments she had to miss because she was sick. I hated it, and wish more than anything I had taken a million more pictures of the moments we did have with her. Why, oh why did I not take more pictures with her? So if you see me taking a million pictures now, you can make fun of me and think I'm crazy, but just know that this is why. I know that all moments don't need to be photographed, but when I think of all the times I wish I had gotten a camera out, I cry.

As we are coming upon Thanksgiving and Christmas, I get a knot in my stomach. How do you celebrate without your mom? Even when she was sick, she was still here. Everything is different now. I see everything through "my mom has died" glasses.

I don't really know how to end this post. I just felt like I needed to write this, even if it was just for me.

My advice: Tell those around you that you love them and take lots of pictures. Tomorrow isn't promised to us.

The circle is small this month. Click here to read what Tiffany has to say about talking to chickens. It's a good one about loss and loneliness and about how God is bigger than it all.