Basically, I could have written this...and I hate myself for it. There are days that things go simply wonderful, but those days have been few and far between lately. In the midst of packing and preparing to move, I haven't gotten enough sleep and things seem to keep piling on my plate.
Yesterday, I got off work, picked up the boys, and then rushed to swim lessons (because who doesn't sign their kid up for swim lessons the week they have to move?!). Then we went to the grocery store, because I haven't been all week. By the time I got home, it was 6:30 and I was done. I carried in a sack of groceries, set it down, and walked off to go get more stuff out of the car. As I turned around, the sack crashed to the floor, spilling 3 pints of blueberries ALL OVER THE FLOOR. I lost it...I screamed. I was frustrated with myself and that now I had created more work for myself. Even though the anger wasn't directed at him, Noah immediately started crying. I could see the effect my reaction had on him and it wasn't good. I calmed down quickly because of that, but I felt awful. I asked him to forgive me for screaming and getting frustrated. He then continued to ask me multiple times "are you going to scream again, mommy?" Yep-no "mom of the year" awards will be coming my way. After about the 4th time he asked me, I said to him, "Noah, mommy messed up. I should not have screamed. I am very sorry. Can you please forgive me?" Of course he said yes and then needed a kiss right away.
Here's what I know--at 3, Noah is quick to forgive my mess ups. As he gets older though, I know he will form his behaviors around me based on my reactions now. I want to show him now that it's never ok for me to let a situation dictate my actions. Sure, I know things won't be perfect, but I can learn now to have self control.
My favorite excerpts from the article:
Thankfully, God’s forgiveness is not in short supply. His love is enduring, and His grace is enough.
But most important of all is remembering HOW MUCH GOD has forgiven me, and then forbidding myself from behaving in a way that only hurts my kids and myself. (Also known as SELF CONTROL, and if we are taking this seriously, we CAN DIG DEEP and find it.)
I have realized that when I handle my frustrations the wrong way, I am being lazy, and selfish. I am putting my need to vent above my kids need for a reasonable, wise mother. And yes we are all pushed to our limits, but no–it’s not ok to be a lousy parent. I wouldn’t let this stuff fly to any friend, co-worker, or human being on earth, so why should I do it to my kids?